http://enjoy-loving-quotes.tumblr.com/
I started asking questions early on in life, (Why is the sky blue? Where do people come from? Why are you crying?) and as answers drizzled down, I made an alarming discovery. These people don't belong either. They also are searching for a place they can be happy.
This lead me to the same hunt that they had been on, but with more zeal as I began thinking "If I'm not the only one looking, surely some one has found this place, or at least can help me find my own". As you can imagine, I was thoroughly disappointed. Not only had just about everyone given up on finding their place, but there were actually people out there telling people where they belonged.
I thought this mind boggling. How could these people (rule writers, law enforcers, governments, ect) know what is good for an individual they may never even meet, let alone get to know so well as to tell them what is best for them? Not only can they not read peoples minds, but they haven't lived with them through their struggles, situations or infatuations.
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/e0/ac/91/e0ac91d211724ea682196d5ad9ff5f7d.jpg
It was around this time that I was turning five. You see, I have always been keenly interested in acquiring knowledge. I like to make informed (albeit irrational at times) decisions that will make my own life better. I also like to keep others in mind so as not to step on too many toes. I was excited for my first day of school, and devastated when that day came and proved that the people I was avoiding most were those who ran the school.
I was told how to sit, when to play and work, and even whether or not I could use the wash-room facilities( there were also segregated bathrooms! Like I'd never bathed with my parents or seen anyone use the bathroom before!!). Disturbed, I was still intent on making the best of it because it was the 'norm'. This should have been my first red flag, but instead of listening to myself, I did as I was told.
The rest of my life has been near hell.
http://mrcbax.deviantart.com/art/February-Farm-Pond-Sunset-287573458
I struggled my whole life, fighting every part of myself to act. I acted for my life. I carefully drywalled and crack-filled myself in; patching up any outbreaks or near disasters. This lead to, at twenty two years of age, an extremely uncomfortable life of substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, malnutrition, and a pile of debt. I tried anti-depressants to fix my brain, but they ended up pushing me into a state of psychotic mania I partially remember.
All of the information I gathered at four-going-on-five revisited me and gave me a stern slap on the wrist. I looked at my tired old self in the mirror and saw a grey skeletal figure with sunken eyes looking back. It took me a while to connect that person with myself, because that is who I have become. Every day looking in the mirror shows a healthier, fuller, more colourful me, but my eyes remain the same.
Two eyes : Hazel, more blue-ish grey than anything. My lids pull down in the bottom outers corners, like they are tired of closing. Dark pupils that lead into my racing mind.
I look at them and say "You're not a bad set of eyes". They look back and say nothing at all (they're eyes! of course), but they seem almost to me to plead.
I imagine I know what they are pleading for, because I see the same look in every other set I see.
I have decided to run away, or rather (as if you were approaching a lion) to walk purposefully away at an oblique angle without stepping on any toes or stimulating feelings of the wrong sort. I do not wish to be gobbled up, but to live a long and natural life.
I found my place while dreaming, once (I day-dream more often than not). I saw a wide field with trees along the edges. There was a cool pond with reeds playing with the wind along the banks. There were wild flowers littered like stars amongst the grass, and birds adding to the quire that was igniting in my mind. I could see myself living there forever, surrounded by life and love, and making a quaint home that could hold me and my own.
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Fantasy-landscape-Fields-427591420
No greed.
http://www.deviantart.com/art/waterfall-painting-425818389
No authority.
http://skypirate00217.deviantart.com/art/Invigorating-Light-165329180
No thousands of people dying and coming to me through the tv.
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Freedom-428318186
This sounds appealing to me, as I've never been afraid of labour or hard work. I call it Ridenelle, and intend on making it real. Maybe not so specific as my mind was, but perfect for me.
My hope is that maybe Ridenelle will not just be my home. Maybe it will be more than a place, or an idea. It could be freedom. Not from hard work, that will always remain. I hope to make this a place for the free:
Those who wish to do as they please without having to pay dollar amounts to do so when money has become no longer useful (in my opinion it has long outlived and failed it's original purpose). A place that is self sustaining and regards nature as equally important as it's own survival.
I am beginning on the long journey that will carry on until my end, and as well, asking for the aid of any who agree with, or have insightful criticism for my ideas. Feel free to comment or contact me for conceptual input. May your day find rest in sleep and peace :1
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/c1/9b/88/c19b887c365fc808ec7e9a206771dc56.jpg
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